You’ll excuse me if I’m a bit distracted today, but I just had an appointment with Dr. Oz, and he wanted to talk and talk and talk.
You know Dr. Oz, don’t you? He’s that tall, lean doctor with dark hair who talks really fast, as though he’s not sure about all this health stuff he’s pushing. He’s a good-looking guy, though, and women love his bedside manner, although he’s never been at any of their bedsides except on television.
Anyway, Dr. Oz wanted my take on some of the health tips he posts on the Web. (Dr. Phil called me on my cell right in the middle of our discussion, but I told him I’d get back with him later. I can only do so much.)
Dr. Oz, as you might expect from a skinny guy, is big on exercise. He likes for his patients to crunch, lunge and spin. He’ll have them doing the “washing machine” move in which they agitate their hips, and then the “lawn mower” maneuver, which requires a lot of reaching and pulling.
I recommended Dr. Oz try the Un-Run, which my friend Myles Godfrey invented as a newspaper promotion. The Un-Run is a 10,000 mm event; that is about 33 feet. If anyone breaks a sweat, he is disqualified, and the last person to the line wins. Concerned about overexertion, Myles has a doctor and nurse standing by during the contest. Now doesn’t that sound better than getting your heart rate up for no good reason?
Here are other Dr. Oz tips:
Snack on pickles: Dr. Oz says the acidity in these crunchy veggies may kill sugar cravings. I told him that wouldn’t work with people like my daddy, whose jaw automatically locked when someone cut a lemon or opened a jar of pickles in his presence. Watching a grown man drool for an hour is not pleasant.
Keep a set of medium-weight dumbbells by your bed. Do a couple of reps when you wake up and at night before bed. “Dr. Oz,” I said, “have you ever stumped your toe going to the bathroom in the middle of the night? Well, I have, and the only dumbbell I want near my bed is me.”
Automate your eating by planning your meals ahead of time. My wife and I do that sometimes, I told Oz. We automate a huge pot of soup beans. Then we know what we’re going to eat for three days straight. Soup beans.
Avoid toxic fats, i.e., foods that are fried or made with hydrogenated oils. “Lordy,” I said, “I didn’t know fried foods are toxic. No wonder my wife’s uncle—the flirty one who knew every Waffle House waitress by her first name—didn’t live past 100.”
I don’t think I told the good doctor what he wanted to hear, but at least I was honest. “These health tips,” I said, “won’t work for everybody, especially me and Myles. But keep trying.”